Heartbroken

Dear Kim,
I have had 3 miscarriages in the past year and my doctor is recommending I consider using a gestational carrier. Apart from the cost, it makes me very uncomfortable trusting another woman to carry my baby. It also makes me feel like a failure as a woman that I can’t do this basic thing.
 
I could keep trying on my own but the doctor thinks its highly unlikely I’ll ever be able to carry a baby to term. This just breaks my heart because I’ve always looked forward to being pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. Should I try again or should we move on looking into surrogacy? I don’t know if I can handle another miscarriage. But I also don’t know if we can even afford surrogacy.
Heartbroken

Kim

Dear Heartbroken,
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses and your struggles. It is very traumatic to have so many losses in a short period of time.
The decision you are facing is a hard one and I encourage you to take your time in deciding what to do next.
 
I don’t know how long ago your last miscarriage was but I think it’s really important to let yourself heal—both physically and emotionally—before doing anything else.
 
You’re right: hiring a gestational carrier (or surrogate) through an agency is very expensive. This is mainly because the agencies do all the recruiting and pre-screening of the surrogates, manage communications with the fertility clinics, negotiate compensation for the surrogate and manage payments to her, and they also provide emotional support for both the surrogate and you (the Intended Parent) throughout the pregnancy. And trying to locate a surrogate on the internet yourself can be difficult and risky.
 
Some people are lucky enough to have relatives or friends offer to serve as surrogates and that can cut down on the expense significantly.
 
But adjusting to the idea of having another woman carry your baby is a whole other issue. Most women have to grieve the loss of giving up the pregnancy before they can come to this decision.
 
With regard to question about whether you should try for another pregnancy on your own, and your comment that you are not sure you could handle another loss, I think its important to pay close attention to your feelings about this and not force yourself to try again just because you think you “ought” to. Everyone has a different limit to how much loss they can take. If, after giving yourself adequate time to heal, you start to feel like its worth the risk to try again, then fine. Do it. If, on the other hand, all you can feel is dread about the idea of another try, then pay attention to that.
 
I wish you all the best in recovering and moving forward in your journey. As I always say: this difficult time will not last forever and one way or another you will have the children you want.
 
Warmly,
Kim

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